My Tragedy

Sa lalaking bestfriend ng first love ko, (AMA grad)

May isang kaibigan akong nagkwento sa akin na may violent reaction ka raw sa blog ko. Hindi niya sinabi kung sa aling artikulo dito yun. Kung sa “Chronicle of an Imagined ONS, nabasa mo ba, “IMAGINED?’ ibig sabihin, hindi totoo. And so what kung totoo yun? Buhay ko to.

Kung sa mga artikulong binabanggit ang pangalang Pet, Chris at Topher, iisang tao un. Aware akong may mali sa sitwasyon. Cge, cast a stone at me, you who have not yet sinned. Alalahanin mong hindi ka perpekto.

Kung ayaw mong ma-bother sa laman ng blog ko, simple lang yun. Wag mong basahin, di ba? Concerned ka sa akin? I-text mo ako o tawagan. Huwag mong i-open yung topic sa gitna ng inuman nyong magkakabarkada. Hindi ako pulutan.

Isa pa, blog ko to. Sasabihin ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. May sarili ka namang blog di ba? Dun mo ilabas lahat ng sama ng loob mo. Kahit tungkol sa akin, sige…

Matagal na akong walang koneksyon sau o sa kaibigan mo. Matagal na akong walang pakialam sa kanya. Kaya dapat wala na rin kayong pakialam sa akin. Yung lider ng grupo niyo, kami nananatiling magkaibigan kasi marunong siyang tumanggap ng kapintasan at kasalanan ng isang tao.

Oo, alam kong sa mga kalokohang ginawa ko ngayong taon, sirang-sira na yung imahe ko sa isip ng mga tao. Ayos lang yun, isa naman yun sa gusto kong mangyari eh. Dahil nga napapagod na akong nakakahon sa imaheng binuo ng mga tao sa isip nila tungkol sa mga bagay na kaya at hindi ko kayang gawin. Sa susunod na magkamali ako, siguro mas magaan na para sa lahat na tanggapin yun kasi tanggap nyo nang tao ako. Hindi perpekto, katulad niyo rin.

Matuto kang tumanggap sa kung sino ako. Oo, may pagkakataong naging magkaibigan tayo at kung gusto mong manatili tayong magkaibigan, huwag kang manghusga!

Tearfully I say, ‘We have already broken up.’ That would usually be responded with, “I don’t believe you.”

So, this is how it feels like to not be trusted by all. Hey, citizens of Quezon City, Makati, Mandaluyong, Rizal, Davao, Caloocan and Norway, yes, we did break-up AGAIN last Friday. That’s the last of it.

Last Friday, Topher and I went to Quaipo to confess our MORTALLY MORTAL SIN. As we wait in line, I felt my heart break. I was still finding it hard to let him go but at the same time finding it unbearable to be distant from God by this sin. I hugged Topher while crying. He held my hand and asked, “kaya mo ba?” Despite myself, I nodded, “yes.” Kahit ang totoo, gusto kong tumakbo palabas ng simbahan at awayin lahat ng mandurukot dun para mapa-away at mapahamak. Para mawala yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.

This is our third break-up already. Fourth if count the ‘dry-run’ break-up that we also had. Despite ourselves, we are fully aware that we need to stay out of each other’s lives. But EMOTION is a strong adversary.

I gave too much of my self in this relationship. After my first love has left me last year, I vowed that I would NEVER fall like that again. But according to Stephen King, “God likes to give the business to those who say NEVER.”

And so I learned my lesson, I would not say NEVER ever again. I would be less judgemental to those who commit mistakes for I’ve already committed one, big one. I emphatize with my friends LC and DG, i can now feel their pain.

I still love Topher. Wrong as it may be. As I am writing this, I can literrally feel my heart crush. Last Monday, we met again. I couldn’t look at him. Afraid that he would see the pain that I had in me. He sat infront of me just staring at me while I had my head bent down. He swooped his hand on my hair and I felt his love right then. I cried in the middle of Jollibee.

I have decided to stay away from him starting next week. I could not do that right now because I am still incapable of doing such. I felt I would go crazy if I push my self too hard. 

Unti-unti lang, kakayanin ko ring wala siya.  

Going Back to Status:SINGLE

….is hell. I have bawled like a baby in front of Pet. He was hugging me tightly, kissing my back while explaining to me why it was the right thing to do. Leaving this relationship was my idea, but it cut so deep, it nearly broke me.

Maling panahon. Tamang tao. Maling pagmamahal. Maling sitwasyon. Mas marami yung mali kesa sa tama. Kaya ako bumitaw. Kaya hinayaan ko na rin siyang mawala.

Hindi tatanggapin ng mundo yung relasyon namin. Hindi kami hahayaang maging masaya ng universe kasi nga sablay yung batayan ng pagsasama namin. Maling pagmamahal.

Sa ngayon, ito pa lang yung kaya kong isulat. Hindi pa kasi nagsi-sink in masyado. Bukas, malamang mas marami na akong maipaliwanag. Sa pagdadasal nang katabi ako, sa pagharap sa Diyos para hilinging maging matibay ako, salamat Pet. Sa pagmamahal…

 

All my life, people around me have been protecting me from pain and from committing terrible mistakes. I have been lulled into believing that I am not capable of sin. They have put me in a box where a list of the things that they think I could and could not do is hidden.

 

I have reached a point in my life where I am already gasping for freedom. I have become a slave of expectations, tired of following the strangling social norms. I want to break free from the stigma of being the goody-two-shoes that I have been for the longest time.

 

I want to feel alive, to get burnt and to suffer pain as a normal 27 year-old girl should. I have a burning need to live.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I am very much grateful for the concerns and love pouring from every direction. But by allowing me to fall once in a while, you are giving me the great lessons that only first hand experiences can do. Please allow me to learn. Pain would only make me stronger and I need that strength if I am to survive in this infamously cruel world. I need the wisdom that I may gain from committing mistakes. There is a big possibility that I would spend the rest of my life alone. And I need to prepare for that. I have to be sturdy. And pain would make me one. 

 

By swimming in darkness, I am trying to fish out friends that may be stuck in there. I am aiming to hook them up to join me in the light. I cannot save anyone if I would stay out of reach. I had to go through the dark to find those who need to see the light with me. I know, the end does not justify the means. But then again, who are we to judge?

 

Admittedly, these may just be excuses that my hyperventilated mind constructed to justify my latest fiasco. But understand that I have the right to be weak. I am a person, after all. Someone who’s tired of being the kind, righteous, pleaser, moralist, almost sin-free woman that I am.

 

And I am sad. People who do good deserves to be happy and I could not understand why I am not. I know that in the end, I would reap all the rewards for being righteous. But what if the reward reaches me too late?

 

The church teaches that one should not be weary of carrying his/her own cross because, surely, there is something good waiting for one who follows Him. But sometimes, faith can deliver too late.

 

My life has been filled with disappointment following another disappointment. I know that this is the devil’s way of cheating me into believing that living a sinful life is happy. I am not happy. So the devil looses, after all.

 

I am still sad. I am covered now in mud. Deeply covered with sin as I have not been before, but I am still seeking the light. Still reaching out for God’s hand.

 

 I could not and would not deviate completely from doing the right thing. I am in sin right now but I would like to believe that this suffering and transgression would not be in vain.

 

One person said to me recently that I have changed him and made him realize his wrongdoings. He said I am his guardian angel. That counts for something, doesn’t it?

 

This is self-serving but I don’t care. Mistake? Yes. But I am now allowing myself to commit them. I am not perfect. Yin-Yang. All that crap is true. I have goodness in me. I have my dark side. And it is only up to me to choose which one to follow. For now, just for a minute, let my two faces fight…

One Week of Forbidden Love (Imelda Papin, ikaw ba yan?)

Feb 13, Friday…nakilala kita

Feb 14, Saturday… (Valentines) nanligaw ka na

Feb 15, Sunday…maghapon kang nagtetext,  tumatawag ka pa kahit nasa Batangas ako sa mga panahong ito at nakakaloka  dahil nag I Love YOu ka nang bigla (na hindi ko pinaniwalaan)

Feb 16, Monday…Alam ko pauwi ka ng Quezon, di ka nagparamdam

Feb 17, Tuesday…Nasa Quezon ka, di ka pa rin nagpaparamdam

Feb 18, Wednesday…Sabi mo dadalaw ka sa bahay para mapatunayan mong seryoso ka sa kin kaso nung nasa office ako biglang tumawag si mama sa akin para sabihing nalaman niya mula sa mga kapitbahay natin na may asawa’t anak ka…
 
 Gabi. Nag-usap tayo. Sabi mo, ‘ayaw kitang pakawalan.’ Yung mga sumunod na  nangyari diyan parang di ko na dapat isulat. Mabuti akong tao na pinipilit ng pagkakataong maging masama. Gusto na sana kita…

Feb 19, Thursday…umiiyak ako. sabi ko, “hindi ko talaga to kaya,” niyakap mo ko, hinalikan.  Sabi mo nahhirapan ka rin…hindi siguro yun totoo…nagpapaalam na ako sau,pansin mo?

Feb 20, Friday…huling araw…paalam Chris…hindi pwedeng maging puti ang itim. Hindi pwedeng maging tama yung mali. Kahit ipilit, hindi talaga…Salamat sa isang linggong alaala. Paalam na…parang lagi ko naman ‘tong ginagawa..sanay na ako…hindi na rin ako iiyak ulit. Matibay na ata ako…

 

It was hot. Well, hot enough to make me forget the coldness of the air-conditioned cinema, at least. Getting freaky with a close friend is weird.

 

I kept thinking of my first love. Pretending that it was his hand caressing me all over. That it was him, breathing beside me. But my new guy’s abs is flat, rock-hard. There’s a world of difference between them. My ‘past’ is my teddy bear, cuddly broad-shouldered giant of a guy– a gentle and warm giant, though. This NEW GUY is lean muscled, so I gave up pretending and got drunk with the moment instead. Arching my back, biting his shoulder, teasing him with my soft, un-expert hand.

 

I could feel the coldness of his wedding ring on my skin. So, I was reminded that this one is not mine and could never be. But the shared warmth is enough to make me move with him in that primitive dance. Moving with it, the harsh reality of the situation dissolved in the tangle of hands, in the exchange of labored breathing.

 

One brief moment. A flash of lightning, really. That’s all we had. I won’t even attempt to romanticize it. It wasn’t romantic at all. We’re in it for the fun. And I vowed to never fall.

 

“Could you come with me at the grocery store? Need to buy some stuff.” Me.

 

Silence. Looking at the other side of the mall, his eyes averted from me.

Silence.

 

There he goes again. Making me feel ill by being uncomfortable himself. I could not understand why he does that. We both decided to go for it and we are old enough to stand by our decisions. I wasn’t about to get grabby. And this is not a relationship, far from it. We are merely players. That’s all there is to it, just a game.

 

I went to the grocery store alone. As always the case, I let him leave. It was okay. I was okay. Didn’t mind loosing him that night. Still too smitten with my past to be able to give weight to what’s transpiring before me. He asked me if I would be fine if left alone. I said, ‘yes’ and turned my back…away from that sinful stare, away from the dark thoughts forming in my head.

 

And now, I have woken up. Keeping in mind my new year’s resolution to be different, I realized I don’t miss being normal. I have my new self. Maybe I’ll call him up later, “Hey, could we play some more?” But he isn’t responding. So, it was a one time done deal, after all. Okay then. Well, I’m not in a hurry to loose myself, either. This deal is done.

 

Time for the next one…                                                                         ##

 

  

Going…going…gone.

           

            I’m off the hook. With his simple message, ‘get me another one to play with,’ it has ended.

 

He wasn’t sated when we left that dark, sinful place. I wasn’t about to fool around and get myself in trouble by going all the way in. It was part of our pact. Goofing around was all he could get from me and then he has cut loose. Wicked, sweet, bitchy, naughty me has done it at last. Leave a guy hanging (somehow)…hmmm…sweet revenge.

 

He said, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship but I wasn’t in it for pure fun, either.”  He couldn’t get any fuzzier than that.  I told him, “People who get into this game is in it for the fun. That’s the way it goes. If its companionship you’re looking for, you couldn’t have that comfortably with someone you’re getting nasty with. You hump on one and move on or you stay and give the girl wrong ideas. It’s either straight playtime or serious stuff. Choose one.”  That did it. He got confused and he cut loose.

 

Smiles. And then I sent a message to this guy friend who had been dropping hints of wanton nature to me for the longest time. I told him, my “freaky” partner just dropped out on me. He then said, “What you did could not be considered as ‘fooling around.’ Tayo, try natin?” Grin.

 

So, I have ANOTHER moth in my killing bottle.

 

Getting ready for a new chronicle of the same nature… coming in two weeks time.

It will be scorching hot. Would have to work on making it even freakier… J

 

            Bitching around…

Rolling on the haystack now…

 

Lost in the midst of pricks and pains.

 

“Can’t you see? This is all a big mistake,

I should try and walk away, but I need someone to hold me… “

 Hearing Tiffany’s classic song from the 80’s brought you to my mind.

Hey, it was an impulsive “YES.” You know how one could make such mistakes? In the spur of the moment, throwing all the precautions out of the window seemed like a good idea.

But I am very much guilt-ridden now. Should I push through with it and stick to my words? Should I make my darn moral beliefs get in the way? I have willingly put myself in the playing field, yet I dont want to get freaky and dirty. Doesn’t make much sense, does it?

Maybe I’m just being my usual, morally uptight, boring person that I am. But when does a wrong thing ever become right? When you have an ironclad reasoning to back it up? When it feels good? Excuses. Just go. For pity’s sake, Andy, just go do it!!!

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW…

But he is being silent for days now. Maybe he is just as guilt-ridden as I am. Oh, I hope he doesn’t read my blog, but knowing how frequent he views my profile, that is very much unlikely. Well, YOU started it.

The blissful tension, the “ilangan” moments, side glances. AND YOUR QUESTION. Yes or no? Giving me a minute to decide. I said, “YES, but not now.” You know, I wasn’t even looking for those. Well, not with you anyway. Not with someone I couldn’t even dream of having. Somebody else owns you.

“Rain…you could never be mine.”

But this is mere playtime. WE have a clear agreement on THAT. Go play in the haystack Andy. Sabi nga ni Flavier dati, “just DOH it!!!”

When I asked you if it would be possible for us to remain the same after, you said, “OF COURSE” That should have assured me that there is nothing to fret about. You even told me, “okay lang…don’t worry.”

So, why am I being suddenly foggy headed about it? Going to have to shook this away. Should master the art of detachment. Get up there, bang ‘em up and leave! Yes, that should be my mantra. Get it up, move with it, dance…

Throw the doubts away, okay? JUst enjoy the ride. OH SHIT!! I can’t… I JUST CAN’T!!!! Sorry. Gotta have to send him a message now..

“Hey, IM CUTTING OFF OUR ORIGINAL (SIN) eherm… DEAL”

message sending…..message sent… ooopppssss… my phone is ringing…

You. “So, what’s the plan, instead?”

Me. “Here goes…”

 

I am finally out of the woods. But I emerged as an alltogether different person. Still metamorphosing after the tragedy.  Foggy headed, illogical thinker that I still am, forgive me if I would, once in a while, slip. I am now in a self-destructive mode. Be careful, you who has crossed my path in this dark times, I would grab the opportunity now to destroy myself. Be wary of my smiles, be watchful of my tears. Let me say my name and find myself. Let me go thru this darkness so that I would see the light..at the end, waiting for me at the end. Just hold my hand and be with me for a while. Loving this darkness now, finding comfort when there is no one to say I’m wrong. I embrace me as me…

Relentlessly, the wind churned with rage

An aftermath of a storm that passed two days ago

Small trickles of rain poured even

Reminding me of the time when you told me to pretend that the rain is not really rain but snow falling down on us…

            Falling…on us…

 

 

At the seaside, we waited for the words to form themselves

To pour from the mind, through our souls

To the broken pieces of the past I was trying to mend

            “Speak up, whatever it is that you said you were going to tell me, just say it.”

 

 

Your voice echoed from a distance

I didn’t want to hear you say anything

Yet you forced me to listen,

 “I told you before, didn’t I? I told you this isn’t going to work!”

 

 

I couldn’t look at you then

I didn’t have the courage to do so

I stood stocked-still

My face turned away

“I didn’t ask you to meet up with me to force you to come back, I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving for Canada next year.”

 

 

I couldn’t say anything more after that

I was busy holding back my tears

You were busy letting me down

            “You’ll find someone else, you’ll find someone who’d be willing to commit.”

 

 

Has it even crossed your mind that I didn’t want to find anybody else?

That I was content just having you, for all that you are

Even for everything that you aren’t

“Was there ever a time that I asked or forced you to commit? What have I done wrong, honestly?”

 

 

You kept quiet

I was waiting for you to lash out on me

I was holding my breath, anxious for your answer,

            “You kept on bothering me”

            “That’s a small price to pay for what you’ve done.”

 

 

 

I wonder why I didn’t break down at that moment

The smallest instinct of preserving my pride took over, I guess

I looked at my folded hands before me, I was trying to get a glimpse of you

Standing beside me

But sadly, I couldn’t see you clearly

            “You’ll find somebody else…”

 

 

It was as if someone slowly shredded me into gazillion pieces

Scattering the broken parts all over the pavement where we stood

I was, once again numbed by too much pain

My body instinctively shutting down

I couldn’t feel the rain gently cascading again,

I couldn’t feel the wind that was cutting me into hundred different forms

I couldn’t hear you desperately yelling at me to let you go…

 

 

            “Are you going somewhere else after this?”

I didn’t answer, just shook my head, no, I didn’t have anywhere else to go…

None that mattered, anyway

            “I’m going then, thank you for this gift. I’ll go ahead now.”

I nodded, feeling the last twig of hope snap

I turned away, I didn’t want to look at you while you leave

It felt like my whole being is silently leaving me also

I was trapped alone with my anguish

Alone with the unbearable pain of loosing the only man that I’ve ever loved…

 

 

I must have spent five minutes seated, crying hard beside a stranger

Then I was overwhelmed with the desire to see you

I stood up

Walked your way, even ran mindlessly

Trying hard to find you amidst the surge of people buried at their own troubles

 Not minding one bit about me, with my blood shot eyes,

 Looking, craning my neck, to find you

But like all other sad love stories, you were already gone

 

 

I saw you once again after that day

I know you saw me too

But we both pretended that we’re strangers

That we didn’t share sweet and bitter times

That you didn’t hold my hand when I was feeling cold

That we didn’t cross each other’s path

 

I am finally letting you go

Though I am still filled with so much love for you

I am choosing to be selfless,

            One choice that I should have done a long time ago

Walk away now…this has been already closed

“WE” are done.

 

Hindi maganda yung naging katapusan natin.

Marami pa ring tanong yung hindi mo sinagot. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling yung galit mo sa akin… di ba, dapat ako pa nga yung magalit? Ako yung nasaktan, ako yung niloko mo!

Hindi ko kailanman ginustong masira yung tingin ng mga tao sa’yo. Alam yan ng mga kaibigan natin. Lagi kitang pina-patronize, lagi kong ginigiit sa kanilang mabuti kang tao. Pero ngayon, hindi na ‘ko sigurado dun.

Pagkatapos mong aminin sa ‘kin na all along siya pa rin pala, hindi ko alam kung paano ko na titingnan yung sarili ko ngayon. Tanga yata talaga ‘ko kasi di ko nakita yun. Tanga ako o pinili kong maging tanga dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa’yo.

Kung magkikita tayo ulit o magkakasalubong, hindi pa rin kita makakayang tingnan sa mata. Ayoko kasing makita mo dun yung galit na meron ako ngayon para sa’yo. Gusto ko, kapag maaalala mo ako, ang maiisip mo, yung pagmamahal na meron ako para sa’yo, hindi yung galit, hindi yung sama ng loob.

Uulitin ko yung tanong, bakit nangyari sa atin ‘to? Bakit parang hindi ko na makita yung tama sa mali. Yung dapat kong maramdaman, hindi na rin malinaw sa akin. Ginulo mo yung mundo ko, ginulo mo lang lalo yung isip ko. Yung mga dapat i-klaro, lalong lumabo. Sana dumating yung araw na mapatawad kita sa ginawa mong pagpapahirap sa ating dalawa, na mapatawad ko rin sana yung sarili ko sa ginawa ko ring pagpapahirap sa ating dalawa.

Hinihintay ko pa rin yung mga sagot mo hanggang ngayon…